Guide to Your Best Summer Beach Bod

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Well folks, it's that time of year again. The sun is high in the sky and shimmering in ways we haven't seen in months, except for in the occasional impressionist painting. Time to whip out the slip 'n' slide (actually, those are always a bad idea), put away all the sweaters and jackets that take up far too much room in your closet, and bring the shorts out of hibernation to enjoy some good ol' summer activities. That's right—unless you live in San Francisco, summer is officially afoot, but winter, as the ever-beautiful Robb Stark reminds us, is never far away. The days will keep getting shorter from here on out, giving you less time to run those last minute errands before the lethargy and Netflix-binge mode of evening time sets in.

That's why we want to encourage you to take advantage of the next few months to rock your summer bod, whether you've been training for months to be super buff or you just want to flaunt what yo mama gave ya. Here are some of our top dos, don'ts and must haves of Summer 2017, courtesy of art history.

4. Rock out wit yo booty out


The Swimming Hole by Thomas Eakins at the Amon Carter Museum of American Art

Ahhh...summer. A time to be free; a time to let it all hang out and not worry about the sunburns and ass chafing of tomorrow. This season we encourage you to leave your swimsuit at home, but dear God don’t forget to bring your badonkadonk because the first piece on our list gives new meaning to the wise words, “booty booty booty booty rockin,’ everywhere.” This display of jovial nudity is here to remind us that there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned lake party to get you in the mood for some sun-induced fun, as long as the “fun” you’re in the mood for is fleshy, pink, and pleasantly rotund.

These aren’t just any butts. They’re the kind of prime-of-life, cellulite-free, toned derrierès that I hope you all see at a nude beach this summer instead of the usual middle-aged men (the struggle is real). Only, not even this seemingly Utopian vision of midsummer skinny-dipping can be rid of creeps. Sometimes you have to deal with voyeurs who appear like a threatening piranhas around or near your squad. We advise you to steer clear of situations that could get you a cameo on Criminal Minds, even if the perv in question is exhibiting a signature position that resembles a mashup between a belly flop recovery and doggy paddle. The feeling when you really wanna be a creepy pedophile but can’t swim?

Eakins reminds us all to have some cheeky fun this summer, but also to beware of peeping Toms trying to blend in with their surroundings. Just look at that fixed stare. LOOK AT IT

To watch your back for sneaky pranksters trying to sneak a pinch (unless, you know, you're into that stuff)

And to always remember that pups are always better than pedos

No butts about it

3. The Real Buff Guys of Heaven

The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo at the Sistine Chapel

Coming in at number three of top summer bods is the depiction of the creation of mankind as told in the Swoly Bible. As written in Schwarzenegger 3:16, the LORD dedicated each of the six days of creation to a different muscle group, saving legs for last before his cheat day. God would later create Adam in his own brawny image after his search for a serious gym buddy garnered no results. In the painting above, we see God and Adam debating whether free or machine weights would be best for forearm and bicep/tricep exercises.

  Just moments after a sick set

God - with his superior muscle mass - would ultimately win this debate leaving a obviously inferior Adam jealous. Seeking divine gains, Adam sought out anabolic steroids from this one snake he knew leading to significant shrinkage of his holy spear. Knowing this transgression could not go unpunished, the LORD unleashed a plague of crossfitters and people who don’t wipe off gym equipment after they use it upon the Earth.

2. High-fashion heathens 

All the hellions of Bosch’s The Garden of Earthly Delights are pretty trendy, but we’ll choose two of purgatory’s finest. These fashionistas grace the walls of the Prado National Museum with clever tricks to make a beach body absolutely heavenly.

First up is this party animal, with radiant buttocks and blueberry headgear you’ll be dying to score for yourself:

Cautious of wrinkles, but eager to tan your bubble butt? Take a page from this beachgoer’s book and cover your visage with a blueberry. Best of all, enjoy some quality time with your girl while soaking in the aroma of rotten fruit. You know what they say— “The future’s so bright, I gotta wear a pulpy blue fruit the size of a small child.”

Next up is this trendsetter, who knows that an anal floral arrangement never goes out of fashion:

Thought that adorning your derriere with sprigs of wildflowers was just a spring trend? Think again! This summer, search for some dahlias, marigolds, or yarrow to keep your caboose adorned year round. Don’t be the sore thumb by the lake this season who skips out on this key accessory— no one wants to be the only sunbather without a bouquet in the Speedo!

1. Bronzed bombshell

Recumbent Figure by Henry Moore at the Tate Britain

Now this is a beach body that will have everyone screaming for Moore. It also happens to be gender neutral (breasts or very well-developed pecs, you choose), so when we say everyone we really mean everyone. It's even got you covered for those pesky ooglers fixated on your bum, which at this point also includes equal amounts of wrist and knee and calf bone and your entire lower half fused together into a remotely attractive bulb of fennel.

Simply extract your hands from your pelvis and give 'em the good ol' bird through that convenient hole in your abdomen. An actual bird may even fly through it at the same time, if you're lucky. Other uses for said hole include holding soft drinks or hanging your towel to dry or letting a dog jump through it because it's cute...but not as cute as you.

Look into my eyes and tell me I'm not cute

Recumbent Figure gets its luscious, bowling-pin legs from crab-walking across the sand and accidentally knocking over small children's sand castles. Totally seductive, yet modest to a fault.

What does it take to attain such a fabulous figure?

This hot bod is made of locally grown, English rock that enjoys a nice cup of tea in the morning and after work. Don't worry if your head accidentally falls off, like Figure’s did when two vandals broke into MoMA and knocked it off its stand. Just stick it back on with a mixture of fresh sun-bleached sand and the tears of your jealous haters, and you’ve got a body that not only looks stunning but actually works as well.

Also, don't be afraid of pasting dead, preserved animal fossils onto your skin because it's super natural and will make you smell really vintage.

For Recumbent Figure’s excessive amount of curves (we’re tad bit concerned but otherwise in love) and a tan so golden even Midas couldn’t touch it, we're proud to include her as one of the finest beach bods in Art History.

Well, that sums up our survey of the best ways to take advantage of your beach bod this season. We hope that these artworks inspire you to get the most out of the hottest trends of summer. Just don't forget the sunscreen and protective fruit headgear.

By Rose, Austin, Lara, and Claudia

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Rose Cannon


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