It doesn’t get much better than a Bachelor-art-history mashup.
Hopefully you caught the first installment of this two-part Bachelor blog series, in which we revealed the top five frontrunners for our mystery Bachelor’s hand in marriage. This time, we’re going for the guys: five studly dudes from your favorite paintings, competing for a chance at love with this season’s Art History Bachelorette.
Read on to find out who will be competing to win the affections of last season’s runner-up and current Bachelorette, Simonetta Vespucci.
Contestant 1
Name: Charles the Bold
Occupation: Last Duke of Burgundy
Greatest weakness: “My fragile masculinity.”
Portrait of Charles the Bold by Rogier van der Weyden @ Gemaldegalerie
Unlike his good ol’ dad, who fathered somewhere around 18 illegitimate children, Charles is looking for a lifetime partner. He’s a ruthless dude, sometimes referred to as ‘Charles the Terrible,’ and– despite what his portrait may suggest– known for his disgustingly long fingernails. Perhaps not exactly husband material, but Charlie boy is every producer’s dream.
Contestant 2
Name: Captain Thomas Lee
Occupation: Army Captain
Dream date: “No pants.”
Portrait of Captain Thomas Lee by Marcus Gheeraerts the Younger @ Tate Britain
Fashion diva Lee is serving up pure, unadulterated, no-pants realness for your viewing pleasure. We’re sure that our Bachelorette will be impressed by his deep V-neck. But really… the dude needs a spray tan.
Contestant 3
Name: Isamu Noguchi
Occupation: Sculptor
Pet peeve: “I can forgive almost anything, except bad taste.”
Isamu Noguchi by Winold Reiss @ Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery
Heartthrob Isamu Noguchi brings a slightly more classic look to the table than our pantsless Captain Lee. He’s as handsome as they come and bears a striking resemblance to last season’s Bachelor, Ben Higgins. We think he’s got a great shot at Simonetta’s heart.
Contestant 4
Name: Monsieur Romain Coolus
Occupation: Cool guy
Favorite drink: “Three parts Absinthe and three parts Cognac, neat.”
Monsieur Romain Coolus by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec @ Toulouse-Lautrec Museum
Being on reality TV is hard and sometimes you need a drink (or three). Romain is going to get plastered at the first Rose Ceremony, probably barf in the pool, and then by some twist of fate make it to hometown dates. Not so bad for a drunkard.
Contestant 5
Name: Kenneth Fearing
Occupation: Poet & Novelist
Life goal: “I have none. Humanity is futile.”
Kenneth Fearing by Alice Neel @ MOMA
Every season has a Kenneth… the singer-songwriters, dudes with daddy issues, die-hard fans of Death Cab for Cutie (you get the point). We wouldn’t be surprised if our Bachelorette falls for his whole tortured artist routine and keeps him around until he starts crying in the Fantasy Suite.
Hope you’re ready for the most dramatic season in BACHELOR HISTORY !!
xoxo, Louisa
Contributor