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The Bachelor: Art History Contestants

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The 20th season of The Bachelor just wrapped up, with software salesman Ben Higgins finally proposing to his dream woman, flight attendant Lauren B. (Lauren H. had already gone home at that point, but the franchise insists on name qualifiers even past the final rose ceremony).

As a die-hard member of Bachelor Nation, I couldn’t resist bringing the joy of awkward televised relationships to the Sartle office for a Bachelor-art-history mashup. There’s nothing quite as jarring as the end of a season, so why not keep the frenzy going with an imaginary Season 21? Read on to find out which five frontrunners will be competing for our mystery man’s hand in marriage.

Contestant 1

Name: Simonetta Vespucci

Occupation: Most beautiful woman in 13th century Europe

Favorite thing to do on weekends: “I love watching jousting matches! I want a man who looks great in chain mail.”

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Portrait of a Young Woman by Sandro Botticelli @ Gemaldegalerie

Apart from the fact that her name sounds like a deadly bacterial infection, it’s pretty safe to say that Simonetta would have won the 13th century European version of “America’s Next Top Model.” We think she has a fair shot at winning The Bachelor, too.

Contestant 2

Name: Suzon

Occupation: Barmaid

Favorite animal: “Oh, definitely cats. I have five of them.”

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The Bar at the Folies-Bergère by Édouard Manet @ Courtauld Gallery

Suzon the Barmaid (and potentially prostitute, judging by Manet’s secret artistic symbolism of the bowl of oranges) is as French as they come. We’re loving the ultra-chic choker and heavy bangs. But will her look be too edgy to win our Bachelor’s heart?

Contestant 3

Name: Cleopatra

Occupation: Pharaoh

Dream date: “A booze cruise down the Nile.”

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Death of Cleopatra by Guido Reni @ New Palace Potsdam

Cleo is the ultimate femme fatale… just take a long hard look at that nip slip. She may have had to manipulate and overthrow a few people to escalate herself to stardom, but she’s here for the RIGHT REASONS. 

Contestant 4

Name: Woman with a Pinned Hat

Occupation: Middle class babe

Dream job: “I’d love to be like Kim Kardashian. Does that count?”

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Portrait of a Young Woman with a Pinned Hat by Rogier van der Weyden @ Gemaldegalerie

Her expression is mild, but the semi-anonymous Woman with a Pinned Hat is hiding more than just a forehead under that voluptuous wimple. Never mind that she looks straight out of the cast of E.T.– men love a bit of mystery.

Contestant 5

Name: Virginie Amélie Avegno Gautreau

Occupation: Socialite

Worst fear: “Poor people.”

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Madame X by John Singer Sargent @ Metropolitan Museum of Art

Virginie already looks prepared for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party in that stunning black gown. She definitely didn’t come here to make friends. But will she be too aloof for our gregarious Bachelor? 

Only time will tell in the most dramatic season in BACHELOR HISTORY. 

Stay tuned for our next installment– and get ready to meet the men vying for Art History Bachelorette’s heart.

xoxo, Louisa

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Louisa Dewey

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